MYST 4/22/06 - 6/2/22

 My Beloved companion and guardian is gone

for over a year i was being warned "six two , six two ! "

It never occurred to me it was you who would be taken... 

my beloved Myst.....

oh to open my eyes in the middle of the night

to see you there watching, guarding. or pushing your toes against 

my tummy with your head on your little pillow....

 

Sleeping

 I feel like I am catching up on years of sleep

Falling asleep around 10:00pm and sleeping till I awake naturally

around 7 to 9:30 AM.

I know it doesnt seem like much, but really...

to not be hypervigilant waiting for the phone to ring  

for the next shoe to drop

I mean, i know there are other shoes to drop

believe you me, life is chock full of them.

Last night I was feeling so horrible about how my 

mother suffered and wasnt able to express why she was 

combative =  had a broken femur head.

They would wrestle to clean her and dress her, all the time she would be screaming..

Or when they broke her other femur by the knee and both times

just kept getting her out of bed and dressing her.... 

I was there the second time, and i couldnt protect her from the assholes.

I feel dreadful for her 

i swear she better be being blessed right now or .... somethng :( 

crap now im crying again

just makes my head spin 

two months off lexapro

 I read somewhere that it takes way longer than usual to get off this drug-

like 90 days , so i could still be going through withdrawal.

its hard to tell when you feel like you are being bashed around 

under the waves of life. 

I dont think I am having symptoms anymore though, which is good!

I have some energy back so its back to getting rid of my clutter.

One video i watched spoke about something i deal with when it comes 

to all these possessions and why i keep them...

She spoke of what your possessions say to you- 

my exercise bike chastised me for what an expensive well made bike 

it was and how I used to ride it every day.

my airconditioner cost 300.00 , my 100.00 nikes i never wore etc.

The items spoke of the money i wasted.

Then she spoke of letting go of our 'fantasy' self. 

the person you imagined you were going to be when you bought stuff.

I was going to be the motorcycle girl, knitter, the doll maker, the quilter, the hiker, the

Boho hippy woman, the stylish thin woman, ...

 OMG SO many things.

I constantly change the hobbies or person I want to be , do it for a while and

then have to get rid of everything. 

I also have things from my father i need to pass on.

People talk about "death cleaning" = getting rid of your crap now so people

dont have to deal with it when you pass. I am now of the age to do it for

that reason too. 

and so i sit here wasting another morning away lol

perhaps what I need to do is focus on the items i have enjoyed through the 

decades - I like antiques. 

I only have a few items as favorite so thats good right?

Give yourself permission to unburden without guilt. 

Dream after mom's passing

 I dreamed last night of a crow flopping around

on my window sill  infront

of me very injured.

Broken wings and swollen eye

It passed away.

Later I dreamed of a tornado coming towards me...

I used to always dream of tornados and they filled me with fear.

Usually filled with foreboding.....

I wasnt afraid this time, 

I just recognized an old symbol had returned

and noted it with curiosity 

 

Update:  my mom was "Crow Woman" back when I was a teenager

              then she was Weather Woman  after that. I used to be into 

               native indians back then

over a month off

 So it has been over a month off the antidepressants 

and the "brain explosion" side effects have subsided pretty much.

I am experiencing less dissociation and anxiety which

was what i was taking the medication for.

Actually, I havent really felt either one and I have been going through an extremely emotional time with my mother. 

Heck, I even cried infront of a stranger which 

i do not think i have ever done. 

I just dont cry infront of others as a rule 

being brought up it is weakness. 

what in the world?

 why are people saying this isnt a pandemic
but a "population culling"  ... whaaat???
wow, i know that PTSD from being in this situation is a real thing-
trauma of any sort lasting for any length of time will.

But wow. 

This is why everyone seems to be driving crazy and loss of

control in public -

Everyone is scared because their lives are changing....well

not everyone

The rich are exploiting these times and are getting massively rich.

My Liver Scan

Seems good to me lol 

Photos and stuff

 The months disappear like sand through a funnel..

strange how all of humanity feels this way now and

not just the over fifty. 

My liver numbers have been rising so now I 

know why I have been SO fatigued. 

My Dr. took me off Methotrexate which i have been 

off and on for decades to see if that helps. 

Now I am on Humira injection pen. 

I honestly dont know whats going on with my brain

or body so I quit my antidepressant also. 

It has been nine days and yesterday I ....

well I laughed alot... kinda weird to notice such a thing

but it was noticeable to me.  

I just hope to clear my head and feel better 

Gotta keep up with the water!!! 

At least I dont drink anything else during the day

but then i get massively dehydrated 

and i think this is why i get dizzy, headache and in 

turn my liver gets hurt and I end up SO tired and in bed??? 

I dont know and neither does my Dr.

Still trying to figure it out. 

This is my mom, I got her a robot cat that she adores

pillow siren call

 I was watching compilation videos last night of all the crazy weather events

recently. I am quite sure everyone is positive the end of ages has come.

But really, if it werent for the outside input of internet and news, we

would not be quite so over burdened with the terror.

I mean, the videos included meteors or burning up space trash, fires,

buildings coming down, hail, tornado, floods, UFOs... all stuffed into single

videos. 

Definitely enough to scare the bejeebers out of you. 

Especially when we are already traumatized by the pandemic! 

So, i turn it off 

and try to clean and organize the mess still here in my livingroom

from when we moved here how many months ago? like 9 months?

ugh. 

still no sunshine because of the fires to the west...

9:30AM and my bed is calling me back. 

Sounds good to me.

New Violet

 

The Dark Ages

 Called as such because there was a supposed pause in written history.

I think that in the future there will be little documentation of life

during this computer time. Paper and stone tends to last longer than

metal and needs no power or extinct software to read it. 

I guess we should be thankful considering all the 'diarrhea of 

the mouth' people seem to have on the internet.

But what of the people who will wonder about our stupidity 

towards our planet and what it was like back when the earth 

was in its first throws of overheating... There will be few

records left behind.

What if i told you that after my second vaccination I felt deep in

my soul that I had made a life changing mistake.... 

I havent felt this deeply sorry towards my body since I had foot surgery and 

my foot was 'crying out' - 

no, not in pain, but shock at what I had done to it...

There is nothing to be done and no one to talk to except 

antivaxxers which i refuse to do.  

Edit - To be more clear, my sister is against ALL vaccines and 

spreads propaganda continuously. 

Ones mortality is something kept in a closed closet.

This virus blew open the door for me. 

As a human who has had suicidal ideation and multiple

attempts since childhood I found this to be truly eye opening.

I had never felt bone deep fear of the end of life and how 

unprepared I was as far as things left behind. 

Urgency vs procrastination is a heck of a battle especially

with chronic depression sitting on top like a thick heavy blanket.

My damn bloodwork came back with raised liver numbers.

They have always been perfect. 

I purchased a dining table. So strange to buy something 

for the future. I mean here I am getting rid of things 

and purchasing more. i dont understand myself.

RAWRRRRR !

 

She LOVES to pop out of her tent to scare me hahaha 

Donating and Purchasing

 When I would visit my mother weekly I would immediately

 go to the thrift store afterwards to 

write over the painful memory with something else.

It got to the point I was having panic attacks in 

my favorite antique store!

Then COVID came, slowed that habit and stopped the visitations.

I began bargaining online and then actually risking my life running to the

thrift store like an addict. 

Meanwhile donating previous purchases ! 

So lately I have been trying to come up with "healthy"

projects like scraping old caulking from the kitchen and preparing to 

paint it. It has probably been a month stretching that project out where it

should only have taken a day. 

I watch hoarding videos to make me ill and think of things to get rid

of.  Placing the items by the door to go into my car- I really

have no feeling for any of the things I have bought, unlike the 

people on the hoarder shows where they form attachments- I used

to be like that, thinking the objects had "feelings" that could 

be hurt by my "rejection". But in truth those are just my fears

of rejection being placed onto inanimate objects.

I used to fill my loneliness with many pets and plants also but no more.

So, now what.

Well, I am donating my 5.1 computer speakers and purchasing a set

of better quality 2.1 

This got rid of a big mess of cords and speakers all over the floor

under my desk.  Nice clear floor is encouraging.

I just do Not know what to do with all the piles of little bits-n-bobs !!

I literally have boxes and containers of tiny bits-n-bobs UGH.  

Then There Was One

 When I moved here I was the youngest on this floor of ten apartments.

All the other residents were older Italian widows who loved to cook.

Always bringing the new girl food (ya baby! )

They used to all care for the handicapped woman in the apartment 

before I moved in.

The entire floor cared for eachother.

Yesterday one more passed away. 

Its kind of strange how I try to remember the past ones and 

a single thing about them.

One named Ida  she was short and i recalled her name like Idaho ( potato)

The two at the end were inseparable - Louise and Nancy

Another had a chest freezer that everyone kept their turkeys in, she sold

me a used jar of Avon hand cream - i never said anything.

My nextdoor neighbor had a husband who drank a 30 pack 

everyother day and was always drunk and they would fight. He passed away.

Then newer ones came and passed as well- I saved the voice recording of

a widower who would call me over for pie after his wife died.

The woman who just passed had her ex in another building.

He ended up in the same home as my dad, I liked the guy.

I did not like the woman, she was not nice. 

Oh she pretended to be

but I soon realized she was a user and didnt care if her neighbor was 

elder and weaker than her she would call them to do things for her -

 hounding them cruelly to go get her cigarettes. 

She died of cancer, three of them at the end of the hall did. 

So, there is just my nextdoor neighbor left of the old gang. 

It sure has been 15 months of loss of a lot of friends and acquaintances.