Looking Back

I truly got married for the wrong reasons back in the eighties.

Practically forced him to, i found out later that he had 

initially was going to buy a friendship ring, not an engagement one.

I had grandiose thoughts of "helping" this young man 

'grow up' and get out from beneath his controlling mother's thumb.

I "sacrificed my life" to getting him through college. 

Only to find in the end he moved next to her again.

I decided to leave after i saw he had "changed" or more likely

became who he really was after ten years.

I had depleated myself for him and was now PTSD and 

chronically depressed.

After healing from that living with my mom a while

I did it again.

I discovered another man who needed my "Help"

I would drive fortyfive minutes to his house and CLEAN.

"Stop doing my dishes" he said.... 

i should have listened, but I forced my way into his life

stronger than he pushed me away.

Again, I had grandiose visions of getting his and his son's life

back on track. The man was being lead around by the nose by

his ex-wife, and his little son's bed was filthy he didnt even have a blanket

and he was an angry kid.

So I set out to strengthen the man's self image and clean up

the horrendous mess of a house. 

I was full of strength and light and I was doing "good"!

Predictably, his growing strength soon over took me

and I shriveled to nothing.  AGAIN.

With trembling knees, I got the strength to venture out on my own.

I truly loved my new home and would "hug" it every night haha.

Healing and opening my eyes to what I had REALLY

been doing, not what I thought i had been doing these past years.

Man, did that hurt. I punished myself for being 

a THIS - sheesh! omg reading that article is difficult...

omg page two also- wow.... 

anyways,

Now that my parents are in nursing homes I have to re-align 

the tracks of my life, keep an eye on this tendency and get the

counseling my dr has been telling me to get for years.

Replace the word "addiction" with any problem the person may be
having at the time....
""When you’re involved with an addict for instance, thier priority,is to focus on dealing with the addiction, not to give you an opportunity to be needed so that you can get validation. It may be overwhelming for them to be dealing with an addiction
and feeling the pressure and weight of expectations from
a ‘well meaning’ Florence Nightingale.""

And this--
"How do I know what it’s like for these guys? Because a couple of my exes, in realizing certain things about me, my experiences, and seeing some of the drama play out, felt sorry for me. They looked at me with, for instance, what they deemed to be my screwed up family situation and even though they may have been attracted to me because I seemed attractive, smart, independent, outgoing etc, they realized that they could make a difference in my life by seemingly ‘loving’ me because they believed I was broken.""