Journals Are For Learning

I was just reading my journal...
It is the same notebook I am writing in now,
but I turned it back to the beginning, at the cover & started to read-1998-
Being the "NannyMaidWhore"....
Taking care of his son through the nasty angry lying years when he was 7+
staying with him all summer, dealing with this kid who would throw rocks at kids at daycare & school, and bully neighbor kids so that they wouldn't come over.
Even back then I wrote that I felt that my life was being flushed as in a toilet down the drain.
The repeated rejection from him- Outright insults to my face-
I went to go to kiss him & he opened his mouth full of food, stuck out his tongue
with his mouth open wide.. I stopped dead my face dropped, and he said
"Turned you right off didn't it"
Slamming doors in my face telling me to go away- all hurting me deeply.
Then the next page would contain nice trips, or dinners, my first dirtbike-
Over & over I write "I'm IN HELL!!!!"
Why oh why did I stay?
For the kid?
I did have talks with him saying he was very loved by all of us
so not to talk of killing one's self...
He did grow up to be a healthy know it all..
I am angry at myself for staying, but there is no use in dwelling on that.
god, how long I cried- years- living with such a cold being.

If only I knew what he was doing....
--Fucking around---
with another man, woman...
and those are the only two I know of.

I need to cut the rope-
He still calls & dumps his problems through the phone like acid, bile,
bitter depression & vile blackness.

How can I be light & life with this blackness following me.