The Other Side of the Coin

 Read previous post before this one.

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I was born into an extremely dysfunctional angry family.

Imagine the same mother striking deep fear in that same little girl.

My mother would dislocate my arm as she grabbed me into the air

to carry me to be beaten so hard I felt as though my eyes would fall out.

When she wasnt doing that, she would sit and stare .....

stare..... stare.... eyes bulging , unresponsive to my cries and pleads.

I would turn to older cold angry siblings who had lived with this angry 

father and mother for 8-10 yr. prior to my arrival. only to have doors

slammed in my face or punched, pushed, looked at with disgust.

When i was a little older my abusive mother would caress my breasts.

Over and over , her touch made my skin crawl but i was too weak 

to get away and I had developed "fawning" to keep the peace...

with both my parents. 

Later It made being with boys extremely difficult .

Finally I was big enough to fight back and pull away- 

my anger gave me strength. She became even more angry.

She would slap and pinch me, always yelling and angry all the time.

Fighting with my sisters.

My father had WWII PTSD untreated, he had been a German POW.

Everyone was extremely frightened of him already when i was born.

I had no idea why and felt he was my savior from the crazy 

mother when he would come home from work. 

I will never forget the day when that all came to an end as a toddler.

He put me on an adult ten speed bike and shoved me down the driveway. 

He had everyone hiding in the closets when he came home and now

i knew why. 

His anger was unpredictable and insane. He took pleasure in face to 

face screaming while pointing his finger in your face eyes bulging

with HATE - making you cry.

or jabbing his finger into your ribs- always bullying.

So, what happened then?

Well, I did a lot of studying and reading self help books in my 20's

I went to each sibling alone and each parent 

and with love, told them what they had done to me.

 They each listened and  acknowledged ( or didnt, but listened) 

I developed a different relationship.

One not focused on this life here

but on the whole. 

That was 30 years ago. 

I still am sometimes filled with the abuse memories at night

but thankful I became my parents caregiver.